Friday Feature: Domestic Violence Awareness Month – Gaslighting

To help create awareness for the many forms of domestic violence, in collaboration with the Family Life Center, we will feature information each Friday during the month of October in hopes that it will help make a difference, save a life, or change a behavior. We hope you’ll share the information as you never know whose life it may touch or impact. – Flagler News Weekly

Guest Writer: Trish Giaccone, Director of the Family Life Center 

The Family Life Center was born in 1987, the same year Domestic Violence Awareness Month officially began.

Domestic violence awareness month was established as an effort to provide education and awareness surrounding a fundamental human right – the right to be free from abuse and violence. So here we are – Domestic Violence Awareness Month October 2021 for another round of education and awareness and I ask you, what can we do to change what is happening? 20 people per minute are physically abused by an intimate partner in the United States (NNEDV, 2021). This statistic is horrifying! We continue to have the mainstream media barrage us with images of young women who are missing or dead, images of crying families at vigils, images of a life snuffed out too soon. Yet, what we do not see are the victims right here in our own backyard, thousands of Flagler County women who have received support from Family Life Center over the years. Since the onset of COVID-19, the 24 hour crisis helpline has seen a spike in calls from victims or their family members looking for support and discussing options.  Adding a texting feature to the helpline has also proved beneficial for victims to access services.

Domestic violence is about power and control. All too often we focus on what changes the victim can make, how she can protect herself or how she can change his behavior. Sadly, this is not where we get to a solution. Each day we engage with friends, family members, coworkers and colleagues; people we have the opportunity to develop relationships with and get to know. Pause for a moment and think to yourself about the people in your life and consider how they speak to others or the patterns of behavior they display. Can you identify a perpetrator of violence? Not usually and the same holds true for victims. Although perpetrators of violence may show arrogance or entitlement, have rigid views of gender “norms” or share inappropriate comments or jokes about women, for the most part there is a duality to their “public” and “private” self thus making it challenging to identify who are perpetrators of intimate partner violence.

One tactic used by perpetrators of violence is gaslighting, a term which defines an intentional and systematic method of undermining or discounting victims; causing victims to question their reality. This tactic is often not easily recognizable by victims, yet friends and family members may notice this happening with their loved one. If so, pointing out the behavior to the perpetrator while reassuring victims they are not crazy or losing their mind is helpful. Being a victim of intimate partner violence does not equate to having a Mental Health issue. Are victims subjected to trauma? Absolutely. This is why it is so important for family and friends to be prepared to support victims with a “Start By Believing” attitude, since a victim will share their concerns with a family member or friend before they reach out to a crisis helpline. Knowing the available resources in Flagler County is critical to helping end domestic violence. The Family Life Center provides crisis intervention as well as support to individuals who are unsure if their intimate relationship is unhealthy or abusive This support is extended to secondary victims, ie. parents or children as well.

So back to the question of change, how do we stop domestic violence? In my perspective, it can only happen with a  coordinated effort by all community members who stand up and say NO MORE.

1) Stop blaming the victim for the behavior of a perpetrator of abuse.

2) Support victims without blame or judgement.

3) Hold individuals who engage in illegal activity accountable with penalties for their behavior as severe as their crime.

4) Provide training regarding the dynamics of domestic violence to all youth, civic organizations and community stakeholders, essentially everyone.

5) Engage with your local certified domestic violence center or county domestic violence task force for additional ways to support victims.

This crime will not end unless we as a community stand together and continue to cry out for the right to be free from abuse and violence! If you or someone you know is a victim of intimate partner violence or if you would like support regarding options, please reach out any day or night via text or call: (386) 437-3505. Please remember, you are not alone.

For more information on the Family Life Center, please visit here.